Colombia drugs bust threatens UK TV schedules

Last week's seizure by Colombian troops of four tonnes of cocaine worth $120 million has threatened to bring the UK television industry to a standstill, we can reveal.

Widespread panic is reported in London-based production companies as news of the bust spreads like wildfire around the capital. Experts are predicting that supplies of cocaine to the UK could be cut by as much as 80 per cent, resulting in a complete collapse in television production under the "No snow, no show" rule.

We spoke to one visibly-shaken video editor who told us a harrowing tale of whole episodes of The Bill left on the cutting-room floor as desperate tape ops rushed in expense-account minicabs to Leeds in search of Bolivian marching powder. "The Johnny Vaughn Tonight scriptwriters have got enough nose candy left for three, maybe four good gags," he trembled. "What happens then is anybody's guess. It's terrifying."

BBC executives are said to be working on an emergency plan involving three million cans of Red Bull and 10,000 ProPlus tablets. "We've got a responsibility to ensure that our programming continues to be the very best it can be," one told The Rockall Times. "Whatever it takes."

Meanwhile, radio listeners will be relieved to learn that Women's Hour is among the very few programmes not affected by the coke famine. "We're fine," said one editor. "We run entirely on crystal meth."