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Immigrants blast Blunkett blather

Thousands of immigrants across the UK have called on home secretary David Blindgit to speak clear and understandable English.

Ordinary voters have become increasingly upset with Blindgit's inability to communicate without dissembling or cluttering his speeches with platitudes and banalities.

"If he's going to work here," said one Asian citizen, "he ought to speak the language like the rest of us innit?" Others agree. African mother of three Ashi Buzani told the Rockall Times: "I can't make any sense of what he is saying even if I listen really hard. He's setting a bad example to others. I would encourage him to use English when he's at work, rather than just at home."

One professor of linguistics also concurred with the complainants. Having listened to tapes of Mr Blunkett's last five speeches, he told us: "Yes, I'm afraid to say that's total gibberish. Some odd melange of Whitehall, English and the street patois of Blather. Really not in keeping with the multi-cultural blend of English that is currently the UK's lingua franca."

Blunkett has rejected the criticism and said he could not see how his linguistic failing would hinder employment prospects. A source very close to the home secretary told us: "Woof."

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