Those new cannabis rules explained in full

Are you thinking of having a toke or two at a party this weekend or even walking down your local high street, reefer in hand? Have you heard rumours about David Blunkett's groovy new drugs-for-all policy? Do you reckon that if Jack Straw's son can get off with no more than a warning then you should be safe as well?

Well be careful — things may not be what they seem.

Confusion still reigns over what is — and, more importantly, what is not — allowed under the government's new cannabis policy. So, as part of the ongoing service we provide to our readers, The Rockall Times is pleased to be able to give the full low-down on New Labour's soft drugs policy. If you are going to take cannabis, it is important you know the risks:

Cannabis is still illegal. What the government has done is relax the rules on when its possession or consumption is deemed to be an offence.

It remains an arrestable offence to own or sell the drug at any time apart from the following clear situations:

• At any time during the Notting Hill carnival
• In Brixton or any other area in UK major cities with a high percentage of blacks
• In any pub frequented by off-duty policemen who may fancy a crafty puff themselves
• Where any local New Labour-approved vicar is willing to certify you as a genuine Rastafarian
• To anyone unless they are prepared to sign the prime minister's "Yes Please Tony, Let's Blast Baghdad" petition
• Whenever the local plod can't be arsed to do the necessary paperwork

Metropolitan Police sources are stressing that even this limited relaxation of regulations applies only to cannabis and not to more dangerous drugs such as heroin, cocaine, crack and Sunny D.

The authorities' policy regarding these will still be to crack down on all known users for another 20 years until this is also seen to have been a complete failure.

It will remain illegal to use cannabis at any time for the medicinal purpose of alleviating pain.