I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Rockall launches heritage paint range

As presenter of the BBC's DIY 999 Emergency Pet Rescue, I am often to be seen leaping from a helicopter clutching my Vuitton suitcase packed with swatches and MDF novelty shapes in a frantic against-the-clock bid to transform the pastel-scourged salons of suburbia into the latest designer chic.

Recently, I found myself in the offices of The Rockall Times, where the challenging brief was to create a rain-lashed North Atlantic ambience for under £50 and in less than forty minutes.

Viewers will recall the nail-biting tension as myself and versatile all-rounder "Tricky" Dicky Carthief struggled with three 8×4 sheets of MDF, a skip full of kelp and sixteen albatrosses while Rockall editor Kieren McCarthy stormed tearfully from the room when shown the proposed wall colour from the Dulux "Battle of The Atlantic" commemorative range.

Satirists are demanding clients, to be sure. In the end, it was only the last-minute arrival of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen in a Learjet bearing a can of hand-blended slate grey hastily labelled "Rockall" which pacified the sobbing McCarthy and averted a major TV upset.

All's well that ends well, as they say. The new look proved a smash hit with the public, provoking nearly ten viewers' letters asking how they might bring a storm-tossed nautical edge into their lives. This, from a sociology student in Milton Keynes, is typical:

Help! I loved your Rockall theme and I want to recreate the world-weary cynical look in my digs. Trouble is, I spent all my grant on cider and Portishead CDs. What do you suggest?

Well, you're in luck. For just £14.99 you can get 2.5 litres of matt or silk emulsion from the new Rockall Heritage paint range. This volcanic new explosion of colour, developed in association with Jasper Conran and Tate Modern, represents the last word in Atlantic sophistication:

I'd suggest Puffin for walls, ceilings, doors and windows — the perfect accompaniment to cider and Portishead. Scatter the floor with seaweed — you'll find it on any local beach — remembering to seal with a coat of yacht varnish. Molluscs and seagulls can be simply made from a sheet of 8mm MDF. Finish off with a sign reading: "Rockall: No Irish, No Norwegians, No Icelanders", and there you have it — your very own piece of Britain's liveliest islet. Enjoy!

Next week:

Björk Ho! The Cod War gunboat tree-house your kids will love

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Rockall’ index page