Dear Dierdre: I pleasured beautiful model for seven hours!

DEAR DIERDRE: I have just had the most mind-blowing sex with a beautiful model. Our eyes met across a crowded club. The attraction was instant. We tore each others clothes off in the cab on the way to her penthouse apartment in Docklands. She had a fantastic toned body — it was clear she worked out a lot. We made love in the hallway for seven hours. I felt totally fulfilled as a man. Unfortunately I then woke up and found it had all been a dream and, worse, I had ejaculated onto the only clean sheets left in my student digs. I don't know how to operate a washing machine and my mum lives over two hundred miles away. What should I do? Duncan, Newcastle

DIERDRE SAYS: Ask around your halls of residence. Maybe one of the girls there knows how a washing machine works. If not, ring your mother and ask her to come and operate the machine. She'll understand. Oh, and stop reading The News of the World.

DEAR DIERDRE: I am having the most mind-blowing sex with my Pilates instructress. The problem is, I'm a woman too, and a married one at that. Now my husband is threatening to leave me and the kids after discovering a string of love balls in my private parts after an "after-class" workout.

Am I a lesbian, and if so, is my lover able to use my gym family membership card to get fantastic discounts on badminton court hire? Marjorie, East Sussex

DIERDRE SAYS: I think perhaps you are just a little confused. Of course you're a lesbian, but most family memberships will include only your husband and children. If he does leave you, I suggest you discuss your change in circumstances with the management, who may have a package more appropriate to your new circumstances. If your sports centre is run by a Tory-controlled council, try and find an more sympathetic alternative in Hackney.

DEAR DIERDRE: I am a forty-seven-year-old woman who has never had an orgasm, either with a partner or through masturbation. Also, I recently laid a patio which has sunk in several places. Where am I going wrong? Joyce, Kidderminster

DIERDRE SAYS: I am sending you my leaflet The Clitoris: How to get one and what to do with it. I suspect that your patio is insufficently supported. Lay 6 inches of well-compacted rubble, then 4-6 inches of hogging. Then compress 3 inches of sand onto that using a plate compactor. Lay the slabs on a standard mortar mix, remembering to slope the whole patio away from the house slightly. That way, your patio will give you years of pleasure even if your genitals can't.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest