Dear Dierdre: My kiss-and-tell hell!

DEAR DIERDRE: For two years I conducted a passionate affair with one of Britain's most powerful men, whom I shall call John. John and I took any opportunity to consummate our lust-fuelled passion, and would often sneak into the office toilets for a "question-time-quickie". Most of all, John took great pleasure in plunging his engorged member into me from behind over his desk while caressing my ample bosoms — which he lovingly called my "family values" — and shouting "Order, order!" as he pumped me to a furious climax.

We reluctantly agreed to break off the relationship when John was offered promotion at work, fearing that a scandal might wreck his career. For 10 years I said nothing. Then, one day, I was inexplicably driven to reveal every last cum-soaked detail to The Daily Mail. Do you think HRT might help? Edwina, London

DIERDRE SAYS: It's very common for women of a certain age to suffer hot flushes and night sweats. These sometimes lead to an abnormal craving to pick up the telephone and dial the number of a tabloid newspaper editor, although experts are baffled as to what purpose this actually serves. It's clear that you once had an active media life and are looking to relive those heady days with one last orgy of kiss-and-tell. I'm sending you my brochure How to keep your fuc*king mouth shut — A guide for Tory temptresses.

DEAR DIERDRE: Me and the wife have been married for fifty-two years, during which time we have made love at least three times a week. Even at the age of 83, I can still give the missus the benefit of me John Thomas, even if it's only every other Sunday. We have a lovely house, two beautiful daughters and six grandchildren. I've never had a day's illness in me life, I receive an enormous pension sufficient for three continental holidays a year. Recently, however, I began to regret never having had cause to write to an agony aunt asking if there is something wrong with me. Is there something wrong with me? Rob, Newport

DIERDRE SAYS: Many of us reach old age feeling unfulfilled, that life has passed us by. Sadly, you can't turn back the clock. With luck, your wife will have a stroke soon and you'll be left unable to cope and forced to sell your lovely home to fund her care. Get back to me then.

DEAR DIERDRE: My boyfriend and I have enjoyed a perfectly normal sex life for more than five years. Last week, though, I performed oral sex on him for the first time. Unfortunately, he ejaculated in my mouth, and I found the salty taste of his sperm mildly distasteful. Because of this, I have decided to become a lesbian. Can you assure me that I will find the female genitalia more palatable, and what are the tax benefits of Sapphic love? Helen, Dundee

DIERDRE SAYS: Well, Helen, no lover of sea food has ever come away from the bearded clam dissatisfied. Sadly, there are currently no tax concessions for lesbianism, despite strong and persistent lobbying by myself and other campaigners. Financially, your best bet is to marry your boyfriend and claim the associated married person's allowance while pursuing your path of sisterly love. I'm sure your boyfriend will come round to the idea once he sees the extra beer money in his pay packet. Good luck.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest