Rockall knocked off map by monstrous domain transfer cock-up

First of all, apologies to all our regular readers who tried in vain last week to avail themselves of the voice of the world's liveliest volcanic islet.

Tiresomely, the site was down due to what they call "domain transfer authorisation technical difficulties", although we prefer the term "monstrous jobsworth arse-from-elbow e-fuc*kery".

Yes, although the sum total of man's knowledge can travel down the information superhighway at a speed too great to be calculated by the human mind, not even the Lord Jehovah himself can apparently expedite a simple domain transfer in less than a week.

So, one jobsworth sitting behind a desk succeeded where generations of sabre-rattling Icelandic fishermen failed — to temporarily snuff out the beacon of freedom which shines from atop the sovereign British territory of Rockall.

Suffice it to say, we have taken measures to ensure that this never happens again. On Sunday afternoon, two helpdesk operators of the organisation in question were keelhauled and a sysadmin forced to walk the plank by jeering and rum-fuelled Rockall Times staff bearing cutlasses and stuffed parrots. We trust that it will not be necessary to carry out our threat to string their MD from the highest yardarm in the fleet should we ever suffer another outage.

We thank readers for their patience and would like to single out Charles Crichton, Andy Hadcroft and Jocelyn Knight in particular for their collective lack of faith in producing what they call a tribute site but is clearly an attempt to trade on our good name. Even though they had the good sense to respect our trademark in their Rouckall Times version, they will nevertheless receive a court order at 11am this Wednesday that will see their lives ruined and their lofty ambition brought to its knees and then decapitated over the online grave they dug themselves.