Bitter supermarket war escalates

Tesco chairman John Gardiner today defended the group's decision to open their latest superstore actually inside rival Asda's Basingstoke outlet.

"Yes, it's a little cramped, I suppose, and I'm told there is something of a fight in the mornings to get our melons and stuff ahead of theirs on the shelf space, but at the end of the day we feel customer choice is of the utmost importance. And if that means opening our stores bang in the middle of others' retail premises then so be it."

Other retailers were quick to follow Tesco's bold move. Supermarket chain Kwik Save moved overnight to dismantle much of Coventry Asda's condiments aisle and replace it with two rows of their distinctive "messed-up warehouse" style layout. And in Liverpool, budget store Aldi staged a daring dawn raid in which all of Asda's premium corned beef was replaced by tins of dated Guatemalan Yak corned beef substitute imports selling at ten for thr'pence ha'penny (with special Poor Twat coupons).

Asda spokesperson Arthur Trolley says the group plans to hit back by increasing the number of stores open continuously. "We plan to stay open for eight days a week instead of the usual seven," said Mr Trolley. "That way, any loss of business incurred by the proximity of our rivals will be offset against the increased trading hours."

Few supermarket workers were willing to comment on such developments. "All I know is that I'm working a 60-hour week, all hours of the night and day, unable to go to church on Sundays, and still can only afford to buy Guatemalan Yak corned beef substitute," said one worker who was prepared to comment. "And if I ever see Lord Sainsbury, I'm going to shove this shopping trolley up his reward scheme."

Lord Sainsbury was too busy counting his money to comment, a spokesbutler told us.