Archer to suffer 'peine fort et dure'

The Prison Service has publicly announced the extreme suffering that will now befall the disgraced ex-boyfriend of prostitute Monica Coghlan, Jeffery Archer.

Officials have imposed penalties following press serialisation of Archer's prison diaries in which he broke regulations by giving other prisoners' names and stating their crimes. The punishments include the loss of his £10 a week prison wages and a ban on buying extra treats from the prison canteen for two weeks. Strong stuff indeed.

The authorities have chosen not to reveal some of the harsher penalties amids fear that productivity might suffer as a result of national celebration and merriment. However, The Rockall Times has obtained a copy of an internal memo which shows how the authorities intend to "break" the recalcitrant peer:

• Archer's meals to consist only of Soya-protein Gillian Shepherd's pie and non-alcoholic synthetic Japanese Krug champagne.
• Archer to share cell with opinionated literary critic serving time for assaulting second-rate author with a hammer.
• Archer to accept the nomination as New Labour candidate for Mayor of London and stand against Ken Livingstone.
• Archer to be allowed out of cell only between 4am and 5am on a Wednesday morning when the authorities are certain that no parties are being held anywhere in the country.
• Upon his eventual release, Archer's chauffeur will collect him from jail in second-hand Fiat Punto in full view of 700 baying paparazzi.

Harsh as these punishments are, Archer must reflect on what terrible fate would await him were his numerous other offences taken into account. In less enlightened times, the publication of Kane and Abel and Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less would surely have earned the perjuring peer a date with the rack.