Vanessa will host BBC celebrity colonic irrigation show

The BBC is set to head its autumn schedules with a blockbuster reality celebfest intriguingly titled Celebrity Arseflush.

In the peak-time show — broadcast daily with an omnibus edition on Sundays, a post-watershed Arseflush: Uncut out-takes edition three times a week and special behind-the-scenes updates on digital TV — six emotionally-fragile quasi-celebrities are locked in a house in the Borneo rainforest and subjected to daily colonic irrigations.

That very evening, enthralled viewers will vote one of the contestants out of the house based on the colour, texture and general quality of their stools, which will be displayed side-by-side in Waterford crystal tanks.

Top TV neurotic Vanessa has reportedly signed a £3.2 million to host the show, despite being initially rejected as a contestant when audition nurses could not decide from which orifice she normally ejected faecal matter.

One contestant who did make the grade is an ageing DJ known more for his right-wing views than his name, which currently escapes us. He expressed his delight at the programme. "Who said TV is dumbing down?" he asked, forcing down his third large vindaloo of the day. "It's going to take real skill and planning to produce just the right colour to persuade the viewers to keep you on the show, especially towards the end of the six days. Some people might start off nice and colourful, but only a true pro can still produce something interesting on day five."

Greg Lesbian, witty, urbane and cultured Director General of the BBC, insisted that this was a justifiable use of licence-payers' money. "We give people what they want," he explained, "and anyway, we either support these ex-celebrity nonentities, or the British taxpayer will have to foot the bill."

A BBC spokesman confirmed that this programme will be totally original, and unlike anything ever seen before on TV. "We're breaking new ground here," he told The Rockall Times, "stretching the envelope, extending the boundaries. This will be a massive challenge both for the BBC and for the viewers. No-one has ever tried to present faeces to the public in such a provocative and thought-provoking way."

Indeed, the BBC continues to explore innovative ways to present its output to a new generation of punters, writes Jon Heal. Following the Children's Prom, Mockney Antiques Roadshow and Strip Newsnight, the BBC has decided to once again raise the bar of broadcasting standards.

Next year's Dimbleby Lecture, to be presented by Dr Jonathan Miller on the topic "Whither Broadcasting?", will be cleverly boiled down to one vowel-less paragraph. The historic broadcast will be available by ringing a premium number on the day or by viewing the mangled words online a week later.

"So what if it bothers a few old cocks? They're not getting any younger," sniffed a BBC spokesman when reminded of the 1,100 complaints received since yesterday lunchtime. "Ok, we'll make the fogey version available on Radio 6. Both listeners should love it," he smirked.

Dr Miller was unavailable for comment, being engrossed in translating the complete writings of Herodotus into Urdu. Nevertheless, the organisers of the lecture assured us he pronounced the innovative format "text-tastic".