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School must educate homicidal pupil, panel rules

A loveable rogue of a student with homicidal tendencies who murdered every pupil in his school and all the teachers except one must be allowed to resume his education, an appeals panel has ruled.

The pupil, who cannot be named in case anyone avoids him, was originally excluded from St Tony's comprehensive after going on the rampage with a sub-machine gun, hand-grenades and poison gas canisters in an orgy of violence which killed everybody in the building except one lucky teacher who was off sick.

His mother, who admits he can be "a bit of a handful", but says "there's not a bad bone in his body", lodged an appeal against this gross infringement of the lad's human rights, and was thrilled when the panel overturned the exclusion, saying that the young fellow had a right to an education. Sadly, however, the surviving teacher has inexplicably refused to teach the boy.

"Them bloody tossers is paid a fortune to learn our kiddies and they has 13 weeks holiday a year and all," raged the mother who can't be named in case anyone avoids her, "then this twat goes and refuses to do his job. I've applied for legal aid to prosecute the cock-sucker for anything my lawyers can think of. Bloody teachers should try living on £500 a week benefit and see how they like it."

Education secretary Estelle Morris said that the government didn't normally interfere in matters of internal policy, but in this case the school was right and she thought the majority of voters would be on her side.

President Tony Dubya Blair supported his minister. "I always support my ministers," he said through his gas mask, "and in this case, he definitely, absolutely should not be allowed back into school. I think the young lad should have private tuition in a top-class hotel suite somewhere, with foreign trips thrown it, so that he can turn out to be a really useful member of society."

Neil Durden Smith commented for the Tory party, but was too quiet to be heard.

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