Hawkish Straw rejects Baghdad deal

Foreign secretary Jack Straw has rejected outright Saddam Hussein's declaration that he will allow UN weapons inspectors back into Iraq, and has further demonstrated that he intends to take a tough line on any future offers.

Mr Straw last night slammed his local Asda's two-for-the-price-of-one deal on frozen mini pizzas as "not satisfactory". Shortly afterwards he was seen to vociferously condemn an offer to help him pack his shopping as "totally inadequate", before beating the hapless store manager with a big stick as the young man tried to appease the enraged foreign secretary with a free bottle of Chilean wine. Reports that he later punched a Moslem newsagent in the face in response to the statement "If you give me another ten pence, I can give you a fiver change," are unconfirmed.

Sensing that his hard line was beginning to unnerve the Iraqi authorities, Straw angrily slammed down the phone on his mother after she invited him round for Sunday lunch. Aides report that he was heard to shout: "Either the lunch is unconditional or I'll bomb your arse back into the Stone Age."

Ministers are preparing a dossier of other apparently tempting offers which the foreign secretary believes are evidence of Baghdad's intention to flaunt international law. These include "Buy now pay nothing 'til September 2003" interest-free leather sofas, "A free SingaongaPinochet CD for every Daily Mail reader" and "This beautiful carriage clock is yours to keep just for enquiring about our range of incontinence products."

Meanwhile, Russian president Vladimir Putin has indicated that although he might yet support military action against Iraq, he requires "persuasive proof" to back up Straw's claims. "I'm unconvinced," he told The Rockall Times. "I reckon we should have another look at Saddam's 'Inspect now, bomb later' deal. What with interest-free credit, nothing to pay until Xmas 2004 and 'Dossier' points which can be exchanged for a range UN resolutions, I think it makes sense to consolidate all of our belligerence into a single, affordable, monthly payment."