Those fast-track canonisation results in full

A more magnificent demonstration of democracy could hardly have been imagined than our fast-track canonisation poll, which had Vlad the Impaler top of the list for immediate dispatch to His Imperial Pontificateness John Paul II for prontissimo elevation to sainthood.

True, most of the votes came from a certain north-eastern university — you know who you are, now get back to your media studies. Notwithstanding this outrage, never has the election of any individual to the sainthood been so even-handedly conducted.

It was, however, bad news for the Mother Teresa of Dublin, aka Bono, who has this time failed to gain the populist vote. And of course, he narrowly missed out on the Nobel Peace Prize this year. Tough luck — you'll have to make do with the knighthood.

Disappointment too for all of our Iberian readers, what with ol' Franco grabbing a mere 33 votes. It's a tragic day for the Church of Rome when an anti-Communist defender of the faith can't even beat the pagan antichrist Jeffrey Archer on the stairway to heaven.

Good news though for Roy Keane and Josef Mengele, going neck-and-neck for the pearly gates of immortality. A fine effort and the future may well, as the saying goes, belong to you.

We'll skip quickly over the other also rans, pausing only to mention wooden-spoon awardee Edwina Currie, who knows where she can stick it. The full results are shown below. Suffice it to say, worse candidates than Vlad have found themselves trading saintly reminiscences in the heavenly choir. Magnificent result:

1. Vlad the Impaler — 697
2. Bono — 428
3. Roy Keane — 165
4. Josef Mengele — 162
5. Torquemada — 48
6. Sinéad O’Connor — 47
7. Bill Gates — 43
8. Jeffrey Archer — 42
9. General Pinochet — 38
10. David Blunkett — 37
11. General Franco — 33
12. Condoleeza Rice — 29
13. Edwina Currie — 27