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Blair demands reintroduction of death penalty

A terrifying rise in the number of violent attacks on people at work has spurred the government to bring in an emergency bill to reintroduce hanging.

"This is a civilised country", said President Blur from behind the gates of Downing Street, "and yet burglars are now unable to go about their everyday business without fear of being attacked.

"We are sending out a message to all householders that you can't just stop people trashing your house and running off with your possessions and think you can get away with it."

The new bill is believed to contain a set of rules which householders must follow on encountering a burglar:

• A friendly enquiry of "Can I help you, or are you in the wrong house by mistake?"
• A warning to the burglar not to cut himself on the broken glass
• An offer to help carry out any property which the burglar can't manage without risking damage to his back
• The signature by the burglar of a form confirming that excessive force was not used at any time (preferably witnessed by at least two accomplices)

Any infringement of these rules will result in an automatic death penalty for the householder. Juries will be instructed to disregard anything the householder says in his defence since his view will obviously not be objective.

Hailing this triumph for democracy, home secretary David Blindgit said: "I can't see anything wrong with it. Why should society pay to keep people like this in prison when they have such a blatant disregard for the rights of other people. Hanging's too good for them."

Opposition "leader" Neil Durden Smith endorsed the legislation, and promised to vote against it. "Any householder who is woken in the night by an armed, masked gang intent on rape, murder and robbery, and then has the temerity to defend either his family or his property, should feel the full force of Justice and be put to death by Iron Maiden — the torturing device, not the band," Smith explained. "On the other hand, since this is not as strong a Bill as one that we would introduce, we will voting against the measure."

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