North Korea boasts Pyongyangiwood 'ready to bury West'

North Korea has shocked the world by admitting it has a fully functional movie industry programme.

It also told the UN it has reached the advanced stages of fast-food restaurant design and mind-numbingly bad pop music.

Commentators were stunned by the revelation and have called for an immediate round of talks aimed at decommissioning the programmes.

Spokesperson for the North, Kim Ryong-Song, assured the Western world that the threat would "evaporate" if ties were strengthened. "We believe your concerns will evaporate should we hold our hands tighter and move on," he said.

Reports seen by The Rockall Times show North Korea possesses an arsenal of 42 directors, 94 executive producers and a back-up of two tonnes of cocaine and young men to keep them running in the event of a war. Over 900 starlets — ready to bare their breasts in any magazine that costs over £2 at a moment's notice — have been secretly training in an army base in the west of the country.

A store of nearly 9,000 improbable scenarios have been collated and copyrighted by the government and nearly 30,000 PR women and sycophantic journalists are at hand to make people watch the execrable results.

Most terrifyingly of all, it would appear that North Korea has already produced over nine films that rewrite historical fact to the benefit of North Korean troops, four of which involve aliens.

The government Centre for Edible Cardboard has perfected what it calls the Se Lac — a large double-decked combination of woodpulp and green plastic — that will go on sale next month in thousands of SoLang restaurants.

And the government stunningly revealed that it is already on its eighth series of Popstars, in which pensioners are forced to compete in a singalong against their will. The show has sparked over 900 number ones in the local music charts over eight years. Television bosses have already bought the rights to another eighteen shows in the communist country.

"You ain't shi*t," the country's leader said in a televised address to the world. "The people that live here follow everything we tell them and we've got overwhelming social malaise. Last year, only three per cent of people voted. Beat that suckers."

In unrelated news, North Korea said it would fire a nuclear weapon at any country that annoyed it.