Washington sniper not God, FBI confirms

After what may be the 12th victim of the Washington sniper at the weekend, the FBI has desperately pleaded for people to come forward with information after its main lead ran into a brick wall.

Stepping in, the deputy in charge of the investigation also warned that the most promising clue so far — the discovery of a Tarot card with "I am god" scribbled on it — had turned out to be a red herring and had quickly gone mouldy.

"He really tried a good one there, he did," commented Todd Jenkins. "But we've investigated it thoroughly, and we're pretty certain it's a hoax. He's just trying to mislead us."

The ruling out of God was no easy matter though. A detailed record search showed the master creator had been around pretty much every deed of senseless violence and cruelty committed during the last thousand years. Sometimes as a main suspect, multiple occasions as a accomplice and more times than can be counted as a justification. Only Jessica Fletcher has a worse record.

"Of course, God's a natural suspect in an act this random and pointless," explained crime historian and FBI hired shotgun professor Rutherford Bailey.

But careful analysis ruled him out of the investigation. "A sniper rifle just didn't seem like God's choice of gun," Jenkins continued. "He's more of a Wrath of Heavens kind of guy. And all sightings point to a white chevrolet Astro. No one's reported any flying unicorn-driven chariots of any model."

Instead investigators and FBI profilers are now concentrating on a scum-ridden sociopath of the classical type that a western society will inevitably breed once in a while.

"Our society is crammed with reasons and excuses for unstable minds to go haywire. But we're pinning him/her down fast. Harassed at school. Victim of overly strict parenting. Fired by profit-hungry company. Bad season by the Mets. Dumped after paying for breast-implants. We're getting close."

The FBI have release the following advice:

"If you have recently seen a man or woman of indeterminate age, who looks like they may have been a teenage dropout, until recently worked in Wall Street, has got a hang up on tits, has enough money for a beaten-up mini-van and was recently seen firing at people with a sniper rifle, please contact your local force. He/she may be dangerous."