Street crime stats slump

Home secretary David Blindgit today joyously revealed street crime statistics had fallen for the second quarter in a row. And this time, he assured reporters, he didn't even fudge the figures.

Instead, credit for the drop has been laid at the door of New Labour's recently introduced initiative targeting young children. "Crime made simple — a guide for the under 21s" has left official statistics looking very rosy indeed.

The new scheme is designed to tackle the root cause of crime — criminals being caught. "By teaching under 21s effective law evasion tactics, we avoid the embarrassment of escalating crime rates," said a specially selected ethnic government representative from Haringey in an eastern Swahili tribal dialect.

A six-week locksmith course in Wolverhampton, operated from April to May this year, has resulted in an astounding 2,370 percent reduction in detected burglary rates in the West Midlands. A series of compulsory courses on aerobic fitness for young offenders in East London has been followed by an unbelievable 3,320 per cent drop in prosecutions resulting from snatch thefts.

"Young people from socially deprived backgrounds deserve a fair chance at crime," said Jocasta Peabody-Smythe, a middle-class social worker dressed as an Ecuadorian peasant and stinking of Body Shop applications. She added: "These figures demonstrate that we can offer downtrodden youth a chance to succeed at something that is part of their cultural heritage."

A similar initiative aimed at reducing drug sales by providing class-A drugs free of charge is likely to be announced in December and a scheme to improve literacy standards by shooting every child that fails the compulsory SATS test is to be unveiled next April.