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Food additives hailed as end to child lethargy

It's something that has worried every parent: just how do you deal with a lethargic child? For years, researchers have unsuccessfully attempted to find ways of giving kids more energy.

However, the solution may be right under our noses according to a new survey. An independent report from the Trice Food Research Laboratory concludes that children whose diets include a substantial amount of processed food are much more likely to be "active and lively" than those who eat a traditionally poor diet of fruit and vegetables.

The report has pinpointed so-called "e-numbers" as responsible for this dramatic increase in child vivacity and recommends parents increase their offspring's daily intake of food additives to a new recommended level of 500 per day.

A spokeswoman for the laboratory told us meeting such levels should not be too difficult. "With some careful planning, any parent should be able to give their kids enough food additives to get them through the day without sitting down or being quiet," she said. "Sweets, cakes, crisps and fizzy drinks are all rich in additives. Likewise, anything in a shiny packet or with a cartoon on the front is likely to be good."

There is a more serious aspect to the survey however. The TFRL found that nearly three-quarters of children under 12 are consuming less than five chocolate bars a day — less than half the sugar needed to keep a child's mind active. Without a drastic change in suburban eating habits, kids risk becoming dangerously underweight and sluggish, the report states.

Meanwhile, food manufacturers were last night exultant over the survey. "This confirms everything we have been seeking to achieve," said one managing director. "Too long have we seen dull, lifeless children concentrating and behaving themselves. Perhaps this will bring the sea change our shareholders have been asking for."

Processed food needn't be less expensive either, said the MD. "With our extensive branding and advertising activities, we should be able to push our prices still higher while at the same time actually increasing the food additives and substitutes we use."

One concerned set of parents who have recently changed their daughter's diet in line with the new recommendations said the results were immediate. "Mary used to be such a quiet child," her mother told us. "Too quiet. And she suffered socially because of it. However since we stopped buying orange juice and vegetables in preference to Sunny Upallnight and microwaveable pizzas, she's become much more forceful and confident in what she wants to do. She's even put on weight and just this morning sprouted three new spots. Her teeth still show no signs of decay, but we remain confident."

Meanwhile, the TFRL has announced it is continuing work into the beneficial properties of pork gelatine. A final report is expected in the spring.

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