Rockall Classified ads 28.10.02

Lost

• Virginity. Tuesday night behind the big rock near the natural harbour inlet. Hymen very elastic, so may have travelled some distance. Contact Susan McSlapdash, Skye 54321.

For Sale

• Drums of enriched uranium. One careful owner. Would suit Arab madman with moustache. Severe radiation sickness forces sale. Also, toaster, not used — unwanted wedding gift. £10 (will split) Rockall 607442 after 6pm, please.

Wanted

• Absolutely Anything! We at Anyoldcrap@ebay.com pride ourselves on buying and selling the shite other traders wouldn't touch with a dead herring. Put your crap on Anyoldcrap@ebay.com and sit back and marvel as the world goes berserk bidding for it.
• Surgeon to remove wayward, projectile hymen lodged in eye since Tuesday. Contact Sven Svensbjorg, Sweden 6977412654231421999201.

Public Notices

• Bored, fed up, nothing to do? Why not join the army? If blindly following the will of a foreign leader in a far-off land, having bullets fired at you and facing the prospect of detention and torture doesn't get your blood flowing, nothing will. Army Recruitment; the King's Fourth Cannon Fodder Battalion (nil standus diem longus), Rockall 66987.

Planning Permission

• Application received from Mr George W Bush, Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington for the erection of super-cooled iridium laser installation complete with full supporting infrastructure of military personnel and surface-to-air missile defence system on the top of Rockall. Plans available for inspection Tuesday afternoon between 2pm and 2.30pm. Please note: Office closed Tuesdays.