Dear Dierdre: I'm at my wits' end!

DEAR DIERDRE: I don't think I can carry on much longer. I recently landed my dream job after years of climbing the corporate ladder. Then I found I wasn't actually any good at it. Then the newspapers found I wasn't any good at it. Then I had to resign. I feel old, frumpy and useless. What future is there for me? Estelle, London

DIERDRE SAYS: It's sad that you thought your own incompetence was sufficient grounds for resignation. Chin up — even at your age there are plenty of useful things you can turn your talents to. I'm sending you my leaflet How to apply to become a classroom assistant. It'll help you get back your self worth and make a real contribution to educating Britain's kids.

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DEAR DIERDRE: Recently my husband began to spend more and more time out of the house. When I eventually confronted him, he admitted that he'd been shooting at people from the back of a specially adapted car. I was devastated. If he was unhappy at home, why couldn't he just have an affair like everyone else? Chantelle, Washington

DIERDRE SAYS: American men are increasingly choosing to conduct extra-marital activities with a rifle rather than their genitals. Tell him you love him and you'd like to try and make the marriage work, but that he must promise not to shoot anyone on a petrol station forecourt. If he refuses, demand the death penalty.

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DEAR DIERDRE: I'm at my wits' end. My daughter wants a clitoral hood piercing and says unless I let her have one, she'll report me to social services. All of her friends have already got them, and she feels left out at school. The trouble is, she's only five. Should I give in, or allow Social Services to take her away from me? Brenda, Middlesboro

DIERDRE SAYS: It's quite normal for girls to feel they have to compete with their peers. West Africans have solved this particular dilemma by simply removing the clitoris altogether. After all, if you haven't got one, you can't have it pierced, can you? I'm told that this technique is also most effective in combating demands for earrings. A quick cut now will save a lifetime of earache, as it were. Your GP should be able to advise you further.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest