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East Sussex submits bid to execute Washington sniper

East Sussex County Council has joined the race to host the execution of Washington sniper John Allen Muhammad, we can reveal. And despite strong opposition in the form of 51 US states, officials are confident that their bid stands a good chance of success.

"Every year thousands of people flock to East Sussex to die," noted one council officer. "Eastbourne is full of them. Our mortuary facilities are second to none. We're confident that the American authorities will look favourably on our application."

When pressed as to what qualification East Sussex possessed to back up its case, the officer continued: "Well, two Tory councillors once visited Washington, and many others have seen it on a map. All of us were pretty shaken up by events. I didn't dare fill up the car with petrol for a week. It'll take years for the community to recover from the trauma."

However, despite the council's confidence, political infighting may yet scupper the bid. Hastings and Eastbourne are deadlocked in a bitter argument as to which should host the main event. The Hastings Chamber of Commerce has noted that shooting Muhammed in the eye with an arrow "is a damn sight more media-friendly that boring him to death on Eastbourne seafront". For its part, Eastbourne Rotary Club has retaliated with a £10,000 poster campaign promising "An eye for an eye — Eastbourne style!"

There are hopes that the dispute may be solved should Muhammed's accomplice John Lee Malvo also receive the death penalty. "That'd be lovely," said one old dear on her way to bingo. "Then they could both have an execution, couldn't they?"

The Americans are expected to make their final decision as soon as they have plucked up the courage to go outside and collect the mail.

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