Millions honour passing of souls by buying plastic goods

As we reach the end of October and the boundary between our world and that of the dead blurs, millions are already preparing to honour departed souls and guard against evil spirits by buying thin plastic masks.

Millions more are expected to hollow out an imported orange fruit and watch execrable TV specials in an effort to grasp our fragile existence and the mysteries of the afterlife.

For the great fire festival of Samhain is upon us and between All Hallows Eve and All Saint's Day many will be forced to reflect upon their lives as they buy hundreds of related gifts in yet another powerful effort to purchase happiness and peace of mind.

With nights becoming incresingly longer and blacker, it is inevitable that our thoughts will turner to the darker side of existence, Chief Druid and managing director for Preston Plastics Ltd, John Marshall, told us. "Every person should beware," he said. "For to leave on any lights apart from the TV would be to invite wayward spirits into your home. Your soul could be at risk — so why not get yourself a hand-crafted plastic talisman or spell recoiler for just a couple of quid?"

Much of the population will take to the streets in bizarre and expensive costumes creating noise and destruction to scare off recently departed souls looking for bodies, spending on average £21 a head.

But more expenditure is expected as Europe relieves itself of the shackles of history and tradition and exchanges the offering of soulcakes, fruit and money for the greater tradition of expensive and sickening sweets.

"It is important for all of us on a very human level to try to do something to appease the forces of darkness," explained white witch David Lincoln, also spokesman for Nestle. "And the purchase of large quantities of chocolate and other sweets is, according to our ancient order, the most effective way of doing that."

His secret brotherhood has this year also created special goods with which to ward off evil. "People should not underestimate the power that has been given to this 'Halloween candy'," he warned. "But you are free to buy as much of it as you can." The specially created good may only exist this one special palindromic year of 2002, but if its financial powers prove themselves worthy, they may return in 2003," he told The Rockall Times.

As both children and adults alike are brought face to face with the mystical impulses that drive and influence our existence, it is perhaps inevitable that we will indulge in the practice of "trick or treat", as created by our ancestors to make the festival more controllable. And let us look deep into our pockets and buy as much of the plastic-perfect world that corporations offer as we can afford. For that way lies salvation.