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IMF to go private

The International Monetary Fund (IMF) is to be privatised, the global financial institution's board of directors announced today.

"We have directed developing nations to contract out as many public services as possible on a free-market basis," explained a spokesman. "Regrettably we failed to apply these principles to ourselves, and for years we operated under an obsolete, statist model."

The IMF's senior executives will remain in place, but all of the organisation's day-to-day functions — including the provision of loans to developing countries and monitoring of their economic progress — will now be contracted out to the lowest bidder. The contract will be subject to renewal after 50 years.

A number of bids to run the IMF are already being considered. The IMF's existing employees have formed a private company, which was initially called "IMF Limited" but after consultation with rebranding experts has been renamed "Ideasee".

"We wished to convey a combination of ideas and vision," explained a spokesman for marketing consultants BrandSynergy UK. Ideasee's expert knowledge of the IMF's activities is considered to be an advantage, but analysts are concerned that their operating costs will be too high for them to mount a competitive bid, as they are asking for fees comparable to those of private sector economists. A source within Ideasee, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: "If they don't want to hire us back, fuc*k 'em. I can make more money in the City anyway."

Other early contenders include the Cuban government, which has offered to manage the world economy on Marxist-Leninist lines and "encourage developing countries to throw off the shackles of their capitalist exploiters" and base their economies on "five-year plans, rum, cigars and tourism". The Global Anarchist Revolutionary Front (GARF) has made an extremely competitive proposal, declaring their intention to "abolish all money, property and social hierarchy" at which point operating costs would become irrelevant.

Meanwhile, a consortium of charities led by Oxfam has offered to conduct the IMF's affairs "for the benefit of the poor and the promotion of human rights". An internal IMF memo accompanying the Oxfam proposal and leaked to The Rockall Times read: "Classic. What planet are these people living on?"

However, the organisation is believed to be looking favourably at a bid put forward by leading entertainment figures including Bono, Geri Halliwell, Sean Penn and Kevin Spacey. "This group may have just the know-how and experience we are looking for," an internal email was quoted as saying. "Plus, you can almost guarantee big parties and drugged-up groupies."

The current favourite however is a private-sector bid from the BigCorp International conglomerate. A BigCorp spokesman told us: "If we are awarded the bid, we can promise negative operating costs thanks to donations of US$700,000 to the UN for use in its good works, and US$9.2 billion to facilitate improved conditions for the IMF's board of directors."

He continued: "Based in the Isle of Man, we have an annual tax bill of 17 shillings thruppence and feel that with corporate assets comparable to the national wealth of Sweden it is time that we voluntarily gave something back to the global community."

Asked to give the company's vision for the IMF, he said: "We plan to extend the free market further than those communists in the old IMF ever dreamed. Our prime initial aim is to privatise the oxygen supply in those countries that have signed up to our mandatory co-operation agreement. A free and open decision process will then choose our subsidiary OxyCorp to take over this market opportunity.

"Our stewardship of the world economy will then bring prosperity to all — initially to our shareholders, but within ten generations even those in the poorer countries can expect to benefit."

Despite a generally positive response from world leaders though, the President of Argentina publicly aired his concerns over the IMF privatisation.

Speaking by telephone from his besieged palace in Buenos Aires, he shouted: "Are you crazy? My country is penniless thanks to following IMF 'reforms'. The last thing we need is an even more extreme free-market solutions originating from Washington or London." Fortunately, he was dragged away by Russian paratroopers before we had a chance to listen to his subversive propaganda.

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