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World demands enquiry into Moscow siege death toll

International pressure is increasing over the way the terrorist siege at a Moscow theatre ended at the weekend.

While initial reports were unclear, it is now known that Russian special forces filled the theatre with an extremely strong knockout gas before entering and shooting dead any terrorists they found.

However, with an ever-increasing death toll from the effects of the noxious substance, observers have started to question the tactics used.

"What were they thinking?" asked one commentator. "They had assault weapons, mines, boobie-traps and a highly sought-after fanatical devotion but they didn't think of bringing any gas masks with them? How stupid is that?"

One terrorism expert agreed: "This was amateur hour. It was inevitable that they would be attacked and it was just as inevitable that some sort of gas would be employed to confuse or disorientate them. You'd think a gas mask would be fourth on their to-do list after gun, explosives and a fresh pair of pants."

With gas masks easily available on the Internet for as little as $20, experts have concluded that ineptitude rather than lack of funds is behind the failure to stock up on suitable siege kit.

One criminal psychologist believes the terrorists' suicidal beliefs may have been their undoing. "Clearly if they were ready to kill themselves in an instant, they must have thought a gas mask would be unnecessary extra baggage or perhaps a little claustrophobic. But you do have to ask: if you're going to kill yourself, what the hell difference is wearing a mask for a few hours going to make?"

A former member of the Chechyan indepedence movement and fervent misogynist, Moksha Doogyrev, put the blame for the mission's failure squarely at the women's feet. "Whoever left the main mine's detonators in the women's charge was a fool. Even without masks some of the men managed to get a few shots off. But the women just fainted straight away. All they had to do was press a bloody button. Typical."

It's not all bad news however. One terrorist leader said there were valuable lessons to be learnt for next time. "First of all, yes, we will make sure we have gas masks in future. We can only presume it was an administrative failure that resulted in them not having them this time. But more importantly, we have devised a new explosive detonator that will cause it to go off if you release pressure rather than apply it. This way if you are killed, if will go off anyway."

The detonators are currently under test for supply to any women on kamikaze missions but while they may reduce incidence of explosives disappointingly failing to go bang, several members remain opposed to their introduction. According to one source, at least one terrorist cell was completely wiped out after a female member let go of the experimental detonator to touch up her lipstick.

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