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First completely happy NHS patient unveiled

Health minister Alan Milburn showed off the first ever 100 per cent satisfied NHS patient at a press conference this morning.

The patient — John Merrick, an ex-circus performer — declared that he had no complaints at all regarding his treatment. "This is a landmark in customer feedback and the first of many," enthused Milburn.

Gingerly putting an arm round Merrick's cloaked figure, the minister added: "Labour have continued to improve patient treatment under this government. This is the caring, happy face of our policies in action. Not his face, you idiots, mine." When pressed as to why Mr Merrick was wearing a bag on his head, Milburn explained: "He's very shy."

Merrick explained that his neurofibromatosis-related tumours were incurable, but his acute bronchitis was "much better, thank you for asking. The doctors have all been... so very... kind to me. I spent almost no time at all in the corridor. Now I have my own room... and the master doesn't beat me any more. It's like being on holiday with my old friends again, collecting frog spawn and washing each other in the little mucky stream."

A spokesman for the Department of Health said he hoped Mr Merrick would encourage more mentally ill people to come forward and say the health service was in great shape. Please.

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