Prescott to resolve firemen's dispute

Following the announcement last week that the first two planned firemen's strikes have been cancelled pending further wage negotiations, deputy PM John Prescott has announced he will resolve the dispute personally.

The outcome is to be decided by a face-to face meeting between Prescott and Andy Gilchrist, the firemen's leader, in five-minute rounds at a neutral venue after closing time.

"I'm right looking forward to this," said Ewewhatt, interviewed while in training at the House of Commons bar. "This is the only language that they understand, and if it takes a good thump to make them see sense, well it won't be the first time I've used my powers of persuasion."

Andy "Slugger" Gilchrist was a little less enthusiastic, explaining that he had had several meetings with Prescott already but had not been able to understand a word he said. "I'm ready to negotiate," he noted, "but we must have an interpreter."

Details remain sketchy but it is understood that a win by Basher John in the first round will result in a zero increase for the firemen, while if Slugger Gilchrist hangs on until the second, his men will earn a five per cent increase. For each round Gilchrist withstands, pay will go up five per cent.

President Tony Blah, speaking from behind a riot shield, gave Prescott his full support, adding: "Go on John, go on John. Ooh, he's bleeding. Oh God. Alastair, help me, I feel faint."