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  Monday 28th October 2002  Sex   Powered by Yeast Logic
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Celebrities: Have you raped Ulrika Jonsson?

Find out with our Tabloid Rape Verifier™
by Paparazzi O'Leery

We here at The Rockall Times know how demanding the modern A-list celebrity lifestyle can be. What with the pressures of production schedules, awards ceremonies and coke-fuelled late nights, you can be forgiven for perhaps having once raped a TV weathergirl and subsequently having inexplicably forgotten the whole incident.

Well, we're here to help. In order to help you verify whether or not you really did rape Ulrika Jonsson before the tabloids get on the phone, we have prepared this easy-to-use Tabloid Rape Verifier™

Just answer the eight questions honestly, and our state-of-the-art back-end programming will instantly deliver its verdict. Fingers crossed!

  1. My preferred woman is:



  2. Be honest. Have you slept with Ulrika Jonsson?

  3. I met her on the set of:



  4. We explored each others' bodies:



  5. What happened next?



  6. How many times has Max Clifford rung during the past week?



  7. Look out of the window. What do you see?



  8. Did you really think you'd get away with it?

 Girls! Have you had sex with a celebrity?