Celebrities: Have you raped Ulrika Jonsson?

We here at The Rockall Times know how demanding the modern A-list celebrity lifestyle can be. What with the pressures of production schedules, awards ceremonies and coke-fuelled late nights, you can be forgiven for perhaps having once raped a TV weathergirl and subsequently having inexplicably forgotten the whole incident.

Well, we're here to help. In order to help you verify whether or not you really did rape Ulrika Jonsson before the tabloids get on the phone, we have prepared this easy-to-use Tabloid Rape Verifier™

Just answer the eight questions honestly, and our state-of-the-art back-end programming will instantly deliver its verdict. Fingers crossed!

1. My preferred woman is:

   Redhead
   Brunette
   Blonde

2. Be honest. Have you slept with Ulrika Jonsson?

   Yes

3. I met her on the set of:

   Gladiators
   A Question of Sport
   Strike it Lucky

4. We explored each others' bodies:

   For ages
   Somewhat
   Not at all, I just raped her

5. What happened next?

   She chucked me for a footballer
   We did lunch
   I drove her to the hospital

6. How many times has Max Clifford rung during the past week?

   0
   1–10
   I've had to disconnect the phone

7. Look out of the window. What do you see?

   The milkman
   Max Clifford waving a chequebook
   250 baying paparazzi

8. Did you really think you'd get away with it?

   Yes. I'm a celebrity and not bound by conventional morality