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BBC standards clampdown leaves four staff to run UK TV

The clampdown on moral standards at the BBC following Angus Deayton's sacking has left just four staff to run Broadcasting House, we can reveal.

Under the new regime, any member of staff involved in sexual misconduct or drug abuse would be given their marching orders. However, BBC chairman Greg Dyke decided to apply the rules retrospectively, resulting in the loss of 50 per cent of its employees.

Meanwhile viewing figures have risen dramatically because of favourite shows being repeated. At a meeting of the board, the huge savings in wages and increased audience saw them decide upon an expansion of reasons for dismissal.

Satirist Ian Hislop has been dismissed for being Ian Hislop and actress Dawn French was sacked for simply playing the same character over and over and over again. Anne Robinson was seen to walk the plank after incessantly bragging about her salary, while six o'clock newsreader Huw Thomas was left to face 10,000 enraged Zulus still pissed off about losing the battle of Rourke's Drift.

Radio Two also felt the keen axe of the reaper as executives attempted to sack presenter Terry Wogan, but he did not pause long enough for them to get a word in and after three hours they lost interest and left his studio to pillage Steve Wright instead.

The board decided to stamp out nepotism and sacked anyone with relations at the BBC resulting in just four people now working at the corporation. Ruby Wax has gone.

Meanwhile, Clive Anderson will not be given Angus Deayton's job, it was announced, because he's a smartarse. Instead he was sacked. Michael Parkinson was spotted leaving television centre in a rage, leaving book publishers terrified that the opportunity to sell their latest celebrity autobiography may be lost.

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