David Beckham naked?

Could the chameleons of English football be strutting their stuff stark bollock naked next season? That's the alarming prospect facing the kaleidoscopic Kings of New Kits, Manchester Utd, as they run out of new colour combinations for their footballing glad rags.

"Nooo way, am I sending out m' lads wi' oot' summat te cover ther' tackle. Even m' 'hoosis 'av a saddle," spat the satanic majesty of the Red Devils and top racehorse owner, Sir Alex Ferguson — making reference to his human and equine charges.

Critics say the crisis is the result of flogging their replica shirt clothes-horse to death. Reviewing a few of the 28 billion outfits created by the club and sold on for 300 per cent profit would appear to support this theory. Among them have been:

Shirt	Shorts	Description
Red	White	Standard kit — "so passé" say the prawn-butty brigade
Green	Black	Original Man U kit (then known as Melchester Rovers)
Yellow	Green	Special to celebrate National 'Rhubarb and Custard' day
Brown	Brown	Away to Liverpool kit
Yellow	Yellow	Away to Arsenal kit
Black	Black	Roy Keane's favourite kit
Torn	Bloodstained	Roy Keane's dream kit
Hairy	Hairy	Ryan Giggs' testimonial kit
Gucci	Ridiculous	Requested by Victoria Beckham's music company

So, how are they to continue milking the togger-tog tits dry? It seems Sir Alex is to spend a fair amount of time out of the country scouting for rare colour combination prospects; his recent trip to South Africa to review the ethnic look is just one example and the sight of a red-faced Ferguson carrying his portable spectrometer and Dulux colour swatches is a familiar one to sniggering customs officers worldwide.

Concerns that United players would be forced to wear kilts and peep-hole bras next season have been thwarted however thanks to sponsor logo considerations.