Those new duty-free guidelines in full

Cross-Channel shoppers were delirious today after a court ruled to increase amount of alcohol and cigarettes that people are allowed to bring back to Britain from the continent without facing transportation to Australia.

A chain-smoking alcoholic spokesman from impromptu organisation Wedge said the ruling was a great victory over the misers at Customs & Excise. Customs had defended its previous policy by arguing it was not nearly clever enough to spot illegal immigrants so if unlimited tobacco and alcohol was allowed it would have nothing to do.

However Home Secretary David Blindgit proved once again he is the peoples' politician by loudly insisting that the tarrifs be raised. He then threw some Muslims in jail and passed a new law which gives him the right to ask for the death sentence.

Under the new duty-free guidelines, you may now enter Britain with:

• Unlimited alcohol for personal use
• Unlimited tobacco for personal use
• Unlimited hardcore pornographic videos for personal use (or together with a few close friends)
• Unlimited Albanian immigrants (providing they are prepared to work long hours on unregulated building sites and not make any use of any public services)
• Unlimited A-level grade A pass certificates

Still strictly prohibited however are:

• Powdered anthrax
• Iraqi-made exploding shoes
• Sunny Delight
• French newspapers with articles criticising Tony Blair
• Hardcore "Fame" videos
• Princess Diana momentoes
• ITV Digital Monkey stuffed puppets
• Ulrika Jonsson autobiographies