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Rockall to defy 9/11 anniversary terror threat

There's no doubt that al-Qaeda will use this Saturday's anniversary of the attack on the World Trade Center to launch further terror outrages against the civilised world.

But while many in the West will spend the day cowering in cellars and bunkers, trembling at the prospect of airborne fiery death, we here on Rockall are proud to state for the record that it's business as usual for the world's liveliest volcanic islet.

Yes, we will not be intimidated by those who would rape our way of life. Let them come, we say. Let them come and let the sword of righteous indignation strike them down.

Indeed, not only do we intend to go about our daily business as liberal democracy intended, we have planned a number of extra flag-waving activities to express solidarity with our American cousins:

• 9.00am — Gala walk to work: The entire population of Rockall will flaunt its hard-won freedom by walking outdoors in broad daylight.
• 10.00am — Work: Those who would impose their beliefs through terror will not scare us from our desks as we defiantly persist in ignoring the threat of air attack and anthrax death by completing a set of moderately taxing administrative duties.
• 1.00pm — Lunch with US ambassador to Rockall: We welcome our American allies with hamburgers, Coke and one per cent ABV six-packs of beer. Live performance by Bruce Springsteen.
• 2.00pm — One hour's silence: For the first time in centuries, a respectful silence will fall on Rockall as we remember the victims of 9/11.
• 3.00pm — Celebration of American culture: A real don't-miss for all ages. Includes demonstrations of drive-by shootings, sniping and filling of SUV gas tanks from a crouching position. No less than three hundred CIA members will reconstruct the overthrow of Chile's Salvador Allende for the thrilled audience. Climaxes with the raffle draw where one lucky winner will throw the switch on Old Sparky, thereby dispatching a poor, illiterate, white-girl-raping negro to the hereafter. Event also features tombola and "Pin the Beard on the Raghead".
• 5.00pm — Flypast: The Rockall Air National Guard will wow the assembled crowds with their now-legendary War On Terror™ formation. No less than 140 fully-armed F-16s will form the letters WOT while billowing red, white and blue smoke to the sound of America the Brave. Expect complete strangers to hug each other amid tearful scenes.
• 5.00pm onwards — Barbecue and dance: Prepare to be seriously entertained as Sir Paul McCartney — who himself visited New York on numerous occassions and therefore narrowly escaped death — works though 40 years of hits supported by tap-dancing wife Heather. All proceeds to Television News Readers Personally Affected By Events Of 9/11 Benevolent Fund. Dress smart/casual. No exploding shoes.

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