Rockall poised to take coveted European award

Rockall is set to claim the award of European Island of Culture 2008, we can reveal.

Unconfirmed and mostly unreliable reports say that now the judges have finished considering the fully completed application cheques, the issue is no longer in any serious doubt: a small — but perfectly misformed — rock in the Atlantic Ocean wastes will for one year become the centre of a cultural whirlwind.

The government of Rockall had gone all-out to win the prestigious title having decided this could be the boost it needs. "At present we have a very narrow economic base," admitted the island's Development Minister from his home in the Wolverhampton suburbs, "but tourism could be the way forward. We will have to target a few high spenders mind you because we can't fit more than ten people on the island at any one time. And no fat ones either."

In the time-honoured way of such awards, concerns surrounding Rockall's apparent paucity of culture appear to have been swept away on a tide of used Euro notes shoved through the judges' letterboxes at addresses across Monaco.

"Winning the award will give us grants and lottery money to develop the island for the benefit of all residents," the Development Minister continued. "It's a very pleasant place to visit although we allow no motor vehicles."

The biggest boost of all could be for the island's journal of record The Rockall Times. The publicity is expected to provoke a phenomenal leap in sales. Speaking from their exotic luxury holiday home in sun-kissed Brazil the paper's editors enthused about the expected growth in circulation. "The extra revenue will be much appreciated but we prefer to be seen as a 'seeker after truth'," said one between mouthfuls of dusky slave girl. "The money means nothing."

Representatives of some other European islands — mostly Danish — have complained that Rockall is not really an island at all — just a windswept little lump of granite. This has been strenuously denied by the various puffins posing sexily on the island who broke into a spontaneous chorus of "Faeroe Islanders, Faeroe Islanders, you're not laughing any more — you're not laughing any more..."