I’m at work. I’m bored. Make me laugh.

Trawl Rockall for:

Dear Dierdre: I stole thirteen pairs of Lady Di's knickers!

DEAR DIERDRE: I appear to have got myself into a bit of a fix. Last month police raided my house and charged me with stealing thirteen pairs of knickers from Lady Di's washing line. I distinctly recall telling the Queen during an intimate three-hour conversation that I'd only taken them in for safekeeping because it looked like rain. Do you think I'll go down? Pikey Paul, London

DIERDRE SAYS: Oh dear, oh dear. Well, I had a word with Liz Two, and she tells me that you only spoke to her for a couple of minutes. She will, however, put in a good word for you at the trial. She also asked me to warn you that there are powers at work in this country which we know nothing about. No, I haven't the faintest idea what she's twittering on about either. Anyway, I'm sending you my leaflet How to nick stuff, get away with it and then sell you story to the tabloids. I think it may be of some help during the ordeal ahead.

DEAR DIERDRE: My mother-in-law is making my life impossible. We have always got on really well, and she was delighted when I married her daughter, and behaved impeccably at the wedding. She has been a pillar of support throughout our marriage, always volunteers to babysit, and helps out with cash when times are hard. Now I'm the laughing stock of the entire town. By refusing to conform to a rigid misogynist stereotype, she has condemned me to continual jibes by workmates and drinkers in my local pub. Will she ever change her ways, or is this nightmare to continue until she dies? Brian, Bolton

DIERDRE SAYS: I fear that this sad and confused old woman is too set in her ways to change now. And, tragically, the damage is already done. Have a frank discussion with her, suggesting gently that she'd be better off in a home, preferably in the Falkland Islands. Remember to share your concerns with your wife. She's almost certainly been suffering the same anguish since she realised that your mother-in-law was not going to threaten suicide over the wedding plans. Good luck.

DEAR DIERDRE: I'm confused about the government's new guidelines on limits of tobacco and alcohol which Brits can bring back into the country. My friend Trixie says that under EU law, lesbians benefit from an extra allowance of 1,000 cigarettes or cigarillos and 250 litres of table wine. Does this also apply to male homosexuals? Big John, Old Compton Street

DIERDRE SAYS: You really have got yourself in a muddle, haven't you? Lesbians can now bring in 100 extra litres of fortified wine and up to 200 50g packets of rolling tobacco for personal use, provided they can prove their Sapphic credentials. A picture of Louise Brooks on the dashboard normally does the trick. Sadly, fellas, the law does not make provision for you, whatever your sexual proclivities, so don't try leaving a copy of The Wizard of Oz on the parcel shelf — it'll just get confiscated along with the vehicle.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest

 Email an enemy  Pub-friendly printable version  ‘Sex’ index page