Good, solid advice from the Rockall Times

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Happy birthday to us

The Rockall Times is one today

by De Management

It's been quite a white-knuckle rollercoaster ride of a year since the voice of the world's liveliest islet hit the web to a chorus of trumpets and six-gun salutes.

In the last twelve months there have been tears, there has been laughter, and — often — tearful laughter. Liz II might have had a rotten time of it, but we've had an annus bloodymarvellus, make no mistake. Nevertheless, amid the gay merriment as we celebrate our first anniversary, let's take a moment to thank all those without whom The Rockall Times would not be the major force of international satire it is today.

Indeed, can one now imagine a world without George Dubya Bush, a satire gro-bag so fertile that he continues to amaze with the fecundity of his harvest? And, while millions around the globe wait trembling for the US to unleash an airborne waves of feiry righteous indignation on the Beast of Baghdad, we at The Rockall Times welcome the forthcoming conflagration, bringing as it does the prospect of hilarious friendly-fire incidents, panic-stricken American war correspondents fumbling for gas masks in Iraqi hotel rooms, and a bumper crop of "US military intelligence" jokes as cruise missiles flatten another powdered milk factory.

Yes, Bush is a class act to be sure. However, our "Man of the Year" award must go to British home secretary David Blunkett, a man so literally and figuratively blind that he has redefined the phrase "headless chicken"? His dogged — although as yet unsuccessful — drive to introduce identity cards to the UK has already produced a weight of chortling ridicule equivalent to 10,000 grapefruit, and is expected during the 2002-3 satire season to further yield disbelief equivalent to 346 double decker buses standing bumper-to-bumper. A magnificent effort.

Let's not forget the man who put Blunkett on the front line of democracy. His Imperial Majestyness President Tony Blair has not disappointed the forces of world-weary cynicism, and his hapless cabinet continue to provide succour to those in need of a right good laugh. Rockall Times statisticians recently revealed that — at the present rate of attrition — everyone of legal age will have spent at least 24 hours as education secretary by 2008. Chillingly, experts predict that we will then have to appoint a Swedish education secretary whose onerous duties will include giving Ulrika Jonsson a right good seeing-to.

Other names on the roll-call of honour must include Israel's peace loving Ariel Sharon and comedy rag-head Yasser Arafat. When pickings were lean on the international political scene, these two could be relied upon to provide a few minutes of light chuckling.

The world of entertainment must also take a bow. Planet Earth would be a very much poorer place were it not for the hilarious antics of Bruce Willis, Naomi Campbell, Jordan and Jeffrey Archer. We salute these highly-talented artists for their good cheer in adversity, and for their continued commitment to providing top-quality tabloid entertainment. Yes, give us the tools — cowardice, pathological self-regard, drunken oblivion and perjury — and we'll do the rest. Oh, and how could we forget Bono, the "Man of a Thousand Opinions"? God alone knows what kind of terrible mess we'd be in were it not for his tireless roving rock punditry.

Sadly, we simply do not have room to catalogue all of the world-class buffoonery which makes our planet the most entertaining heavenly body visible without the aid of an enormous space telescope. We do, however, have one last duty before popping the champagne and donning our celebratory paper hats: to name all those contributors who have made our first year so side-splittingly memorable. Ladies and gentlemen, please put you hands together for The Rockall Times' masters of mirth:

From The Rockall Times Monday 11th November 2002 http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/.