Was Hitler straight?

Adolf Hitler, gay icon and alleged uphill gardener, was in fact straight as a die and really rather macho. That is the controversial conclusion of top right-wing historian Bleddyn Bonkers in her latest smutbuster Hitler: The Man Behind the Miss, in which she claims the mass murderer is the victim of a malicious Zionist smear campaign against his sexuality.

"I am just trying to put ze rekord straight," claimed Ms Bonkers in her twee Newmarket bungalow. "He has been the subject of a lot of bad press, particularly from certain swarthy gentlemen who believe having zere whole families brutally murdered is justification for telling fibs."

"Consider his early career," Bonkers continued. "Many have said he was a 'painter' or 'interested in interior design' like some Prussian Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. But no! He was a painter and decorator for Gott's sake. He read Die Tagen Sportz, made smutty jokes and his workmates remember him harassing passing girls by calling out 'Hey fraulein, I've got the Bratwurst if you've got the Brötchen, c'mon baby, Adolf wants to meat you'."

"Then we have contempory accounts of his time in the trenches during WWI where some seek to put a sordid spin on him 'offering the best shag on the Western front'. Propagandists will tell you of men recalling trench gossip like 'If you are gagging for it Adolf's hole is always accommodating', 'clean and comfy but a little bit tight for the larger man, be prepared to queue'. How can they besmirch a houseproud soldier willing to share fine tobacco in his bijou foxhole?"

But that's not all. Bonkers continues: "Or his famous biography Mein Kampf, whose title many (non-Germans) say is an obvious admission of his homosexuality. Dumkopf! It is about his struggle to set up a German camping and outdoor pursuits society — which later emerged as the Hitler Youth [Hostel Association].

"Finally, his moustache, which many try to say is the classic 'fuzzy badge of a buggerist'. If only they would actually read the facts. Not only was he a 'clever orator' he was also a renowned 'cunning linguist' proud of his 'top lip tickler' or 'love bud rubber' as he called it. Goering confirms this in his dairies."

An February 1943 excerpt from Goering's Maybe Next Time reads: "Had meeting today to discuss progress of Operation Barbarossa. Dolphy claimed he'd had that new barmaid last night. 'Well done, Fuhrer!' we old hands exclaimed. But Hess, who was new to the meetings, said 'Oh, yeah?'. I looked across to Himmler, who rolled his eyes upwards and shook his head slightly. We both knew what was coming. 'Well, everyone' said Dolphy (a smug sparkle in his beady eyes) as he pointed to his "love bud rubber" 'perhaps 'you'd like a snort of this and tell Mr Hess what you think!' and we each, in turn, had to sniff his moustache; muttering 'mmmm', 'tangy', 'halibut', to his obvious delight."

Bonkers quotes contemporary accounts recently found in which Adolf was in fact regarded by the men as "pretty macho" and "as heterosexual as you could get". Historians however have questioned the authenticity of the accounts, written in Biro and bearing an uncanny resemblance to Bonkers' own hand.