Time allocated to teaching history at lowest level since that big war a while ago

Education Authorities today admitted that the amount of time given over to the teaching of history in schools has plunged to its lowest ever level.

In 1970, pupils received an average of 120 hours per term; this year that figure is down to just 37 seconds. Some experts believe that amount of time may be insufficient to convey the full richness and complexity of the subject. Moreover, teachers have complained that they are only allowed to teach three subjects: Henry VIII, the Victorians and Adolf Hitler.

"There's no logic here," said one pompous New Labour figure. "If they think that things like the advent of the Third Way, Tony's accession to power and the renaming of the lottery to Lotto can be missed out then they're very much mistaken."

Spurred on my the torrent of criticism unleashed over the past few months, Tony Blair is said to be ready to introduce a core set of key events in British modern history that all schools must cover. These will include.

• Why the out-of-date has-been John Smith was right to die when he did
• How Peter and Tony created the mould-breaking New Labour movement from absolutely nothing
• The sordid origins of Gordon Brown psychological flaws (not suitable for under 16s)
• How any new Great Fire of London would be adequately fought by the armed forces with their Green Goddesses
• What the Third Way means (details to be finalised)

The government also plans to produce and publish a definitive 48-page guide to events before 1995 in time for the new "Seven plus" exams that will be introduced in 2008. Tony's Guide to History: From the Stone Age to The Incompetent Tories will be a core text book if schools want any government funding, a spokesspoke told us.