Asylum seekers enter country in wooden horse

Custom officials at Dover were left red faced yesterday after several hundred asylum seekers broke into the UK inside a large wooden horse. The horse was discovered early on Sunday morning by bemused customs staff who concluded it was a gift from their counterparts at Calais.

They wheeled the object into the carpark and hours later hundreds of illegal immigrants emerged and fled into the surrounding countryside. The military like precision of the exercise became apparent when it was revealed that they had waited until Eastenders started before making their break for freedom.

Rockall Times journalists obtained the following quote from the senior customs official: "Yes alright, we know about that Trojan war incident now but, to be honest, a knowledge of the Greek classic texts doesn't normally come into the job. Mostly, it's just seeing how many fags and booze people have got in their cars and then impounding them. The cars, that is. The people just get a good slapping."

Following the incident, new guidelines have been implemented stating that "All large wooden animal replicas must be searched thoroughly. Particularly those fitted with air holes".

In a separate incident, rumours have been spread that immigrants are coming into the country disguised as large shavenheaded louts driving knackered Ford Transits packed to the roof with cheap lager, allowing them to blend seamlessly with the everyday Dover traffic.

Illegal immigrants are currently a hot political potato, with politicians vying to be seen as "tough on Asylum seekers". The labour MP for Brikinton, Ian Whitman, is generally regarded as the current league leader after he kicked a number of Albanians to death and made them into slippers.

Foreigners are lured to this country by the prospect of performing difficult and dangerous tasks for very small financial rewards. They currently cost the country approximately one hundred million billion pounds a year. Most of this cost is in lost man hours caused by right-wing employees arguing with their more liberal counterparts as to whether "sending them all back to where they came from" is a good idea.