Ku Klux Klan wins by-election shocker

The Ku Klux Klan shocked the country today by winning its first parliamentary seat in the hotly-contested Bury by-election. The full result was: KKK 20,000, National Front 5,000, British National Party 5,000, Monster Raving Labour Party 1, Others 0.

Local businessman Mohammed Singh hailed the Klan's victory as a triumph for the British way of life. "It's about blooming time our voice was heard, old boy," he told The Rockall Times from behind a copy of The Daily Mail. "For too long now we British have been the underdogs. These foreigners come over here washing our dishes, robbing our houses, claiming benefits and raping our NHS. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Pakistan to arrange my daughter's wedding."

President Blair, on a rare visit to England, immediately condemned the result. "If this is democracy," he fumed, "then I'm the plenipotentiary President for life of the United Kingdom and all its dominions. We shall ensure that this kind of thing does not happen again." At this point, his imperial highness left to attend an emergency meeting of the committee urgently set up to review parliamentary constituency boundaries in Lancashire.

A Labour party spokesman confirmed that this result, while not quite what they had hoped for, was in fact a victory for the Labour party. "At least our candidate managed to vote for himself, though we haven't yet determined who his wife or agent voted for."

"To be honest," he continued, "I think the public has gone bonkers on this one. New Labour has done everything we were mandated to do. We have welcomed into this country anyone with even a trace of suntan; we've encouraged them to build mosques, given them benefits, lottery money and jobs in the black economy and let them bring in their relatives. We've even silenced Blunkett. Nowhere can we be accused of being politically incorrect, so what is wrong with everybody? If there's one thing Tony's really got a handle on, it's knowing the will of the British people. Not that Tone isn't fantastically good at everything else as well, naturally."

Neil Durden Smith, leader of the Tory party, assured us that the next Conservative government would do more of it, whatever it was, not that he expected to be around to see it.

Charles Cannyday for the Lib Dems said that he would prepare a considered reply and would expect to let us have it in a calm, rational voice at some stage in the future when everybody has already lost interest.