Blasphemy riots claim 100 lives

Rioting on the streets of London has claimed the lives of more than 100 people after a local paper claimed that the Prophet Mohammed would probably have given former Celebrity Big Brother contestant Anthea Turner "a right good seeing-to".

Moslems and Christian gangs set about each other with machetes in an orgy of mindless violence which at one point threatened the Big Brother house itself. Current internees Melinda Messenger, Goldie, Anne Diamond and three other people who had apparently previously appeared on television were said to be "concerned but too self-obsessed to be genuinely scared".

The editor of the newspaper which printed the offending article — The Cockney Clarion — said that it had all been a "terrible mistake", adding that he had the utmost respect for the highly talented Turner, and it had never been his intention to blaspheme against the high priestess of daytime satellite TV. The government has, however, promised tough legal action against both the editor and author of the piece. Both face the prospect of lengthy jail terms.

Tonight, as enraged mobs continue to besiege the Big Brother house, TV executives have pledged that the show would go on, although "probably in a safer location such as Nigeria".

Meanwhile, a Muslim cleric told The Rockall Times that although he conceded Anthea Turner "might have caught the Prophet's eye", there was "absolutely no way he would have touched Anne Diamond with a ten-foot pole".