Professor Von Seuss to release feature film.

'Prat in the Hat' teams up with Film Four

by Tyrone Cowley

Publicity shy Professor Von Seuss arrived in Britain this year with a lofty ambition to "democratise" cookery. First there was "Sauerkraut Worlds", an exhibition designed to educate the British public about pickles and other German foods. Yesterday we saw "Ready Steady Chequebook", a thrilling and highly-educational live demonstration of Teutonic culinary skill. Now the maestro has announced plans for a feature-length film in association with Film Four.

A spokesman for Film Four confirmed the deal: "We are happy to say it's true that we have signed Von Seuss to write and produce a feature film. We feel honoured that he came to us. He brought us the idea of 'Green Legs and Hamstrings' and when we read his initial script we were blown away. He could easily have taken the idea to Hollywood and signed for $50 million or more, but he felt that there was a risk of the project attracting too much hype.

"It's the story of Dr Von Seussenstein, a German chef who puts together some ordinary ingredients and comes up with a recipe so tasty that none can resist it. As the story moves on the dish becomes something of a monster, the recipe so successful that local restauraneurs are put out of business and recriminations follow. It's a truly original idea, and I don't want to give too much away."

Von Seuss — who cannot speak English properly due to a rare condition that afflicts only the greatest of savants — says that he is pleased with his work in Britain and that there is more to come. "I am a chef. An artist. I am happy to educate the British people about brawn and other German delicacies. The media of film is very interesting for me and I look forward in a special way to ze editing. Cutting, cutting, cutting. Soon I will create ze first sausage made in space."

TV chef Gary Roads says: "Von Seuss is a refreshing blend of the traditional and modern. He has a nice hat. I've often thought of getting one, but my spiky hair is my trademark and I don't want to disappoint my fans." However, there was some controversy surrounding "Ready Steady Chequebook". Delia Relegation-Smith is on record as saying that Von Seuss is a "Prat in a Hat" who "couldn't butcher a chicken properly" and has also remarked "I'd like to see him boil an egg."

Asked about Delia's comments, Von Seuss retorted: "You may mock me, fools! But I am a genius of course. Can't you see I have ze hat?"