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Should Princess Anne have been put down?

The parents of the children killed when they were attacked by Princess Anne as the minor Royal was out walking her Japanese Fighting Dogs have demanded the death penalty for the erstwhile showjumper.

Speaking from their small house inside PR guru Max Clifford's office, Mr and Mrs Lawrence poured out their heart and lungs to The Rockall Times. "There has been no justice done for my kids," sobbed Mrs Lawrence, wiping her eyes dry with some loose £50 notes. "They're dead and that monster is free to roam the streets of Gatcombe Park. It's just not fair."

Throughout the frenzied attack by the Princess, her pet pooches apparently contented themselves with simply watching what was happening and occasionally interjecting with a chorus of "fight, fight, fight".

Police have pointed out that the Lawrence's litigation was weakened somewhat by the fact their children didn't really die at all and only suffered a few, minor scratches and a level of shock akin to watching a moderately scary showing of Scooby-Doo. However, in a desperate attempt to raise the profile of the Slough magistrates, the case was allowed to proceed regardless.

Although the cost to the taxpayer of Princess Anne's day in court was over £2.5 million, legal experts have pointed out that it is an awful lot less than the moody horse-faced Royal would have cost the nation had she gone about her usual duties.

There have inevitably been some knee-jerk calls for Britain to be made a republic and Anne's dogs to be made into horsefood. Mercifully, the country's leading self-confessed constitutional expert — Lord St John of Fawley Oil Refinery — has been good enough to make clear the folly of this to the rest of us: "It's obvious to anyone who's ever been a constitutional expert that the Queen and all her children have never done anything wrong whatsoever. Having them in charge is the best of all possible worlds. As I was saying to Prince Charles only yesterday..."

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