New Virgin train services exceed expectations

Richard Branson yesterday talked of his happiness that the new Virgin Cross-Country trains are plagued by just the sort of mechanical malfunctions that he had foreseen. This follows the launch of new timetables on all routes to cater for the increased amount of rolling stock ordered. These timetables have now been cancelled.

"It's great news," he enthused from his headquarters above Necker Junction Station. "You can't earn any money from running trains on time in this business — not that anyone ever seems to have tried — so we make our loot through suing for service failures."

In this case, the manufacturers of the trains will have to pay up for faults such as windscreen wipers failing to work properly when it's too hot, jammed doors when the train is moving, and carriages delivered with square wheels.

The Strategic Rail Authority has said that Branson's firm will also be in line to receive an extra £250m in compensation. Its head Dickie Bowker — who used to work for Virgin and will again in the future but doesn't right now — has admitted that he is perplexed as to exactly why the company should get that much money. "But we've got some of our best people working on this at the moment. There's every chance that we may increase it."

Customers are not suffering unduly because of the difficulties with the new timetables, Branson insisted, since most of them were more accustomed to the old timetables which were effectively still in force.

As agreed with SRA, the arrival (or not) of the new trains and services allows Virgin to increase selected fares on selected routes at selected times.

Passengers travelling on any Virgin Cross-Country train during peak hours in the week (with a departure before 21:00) will see prices rise by at least 45 per cent. In return however, they will be entitled to a voucher allowing them to get 10p off a cup of Virgin marmalade latte at three stations.

However if you are willing to travel third class on alternate winter weekends in July between the hours of ten and four in the last two carriages then the price increase may be less than 40 per cent. However these fares will only apply to bus rail-replacement services.