Dear Dierdre: My life has become a nightmare!

DEAR DIERDRE: My life has become a nightmare. For the last two weeks I have become increasingly self-obsessed and neurotic. I find myself crying uncontrollably, often without reason. I have started talking to chickens, plagued all the while by the nagging feeling that somebody is watching me. To make matters worse, I can't help wondering if my wife is sleeping with someone else while I'm at work. What should I do? Les, London

DIERDRE SAYS: Les, I warned you not to participate in Celebrity Big Brother. You chose to ignore that advice, and now you're paying the price. I suggest you pull yourself together before you make more of a fool of yourself than you already have. I'm sending you my leaflet How to say no to reality TV shows — a b-list celebrity guide. I think it may be of some help in the future.

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DEAR DIERDRE: For the last six months I have been having an affair with my neighbour's gardener. He is currently sleeping with a Thai ladyboy and a lapdancer from Cardiff. My husband, meanwhile is sleeping with both the lapdancer's sister and her husband. The lapdancer's sister's husband admitted that he had messed around with the gardener's attractive 16-year-old niece while she was staying during the school holidays, even though she has been dating both her English tutor and a boy she met while on work experience at the local supermarket. The boy, by the way, is not related to the lapdancer although his grandmother is reputed to have been theatrically inclined.

The question is, do I need to declare all of this on my Housing Benefit claim form? Shaz, Whitley Bay

DIERDRE SAYS: Yes. Page 17 has a detailed guide as to how you must present the data either in flow-chart form or with the aid of a Venn diagram. You will also need to state the combined gross earnings of all the participants and enclose a copy of the Thai ladyboy's work permit. Good luck!

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest