The fallen Angel of the North

Anthony Gormley, award-winning sculptor and champion of macrobiotic cooking may face an uncertain future behind bars following a series of shocking revelations that have devastated the nation's art elite.

Yesterday, The Rockall Times learned that HM Customs had impounded his "space-activating" masterpiece Field for the British Isles concerning an allegation of illegal drug smuggling.

Field for the British Isles is one of Antony Gormley's best-loved works of art, featuring 40,000 clay figures handmade by rural communities in Columbia. Until now, the touring exhibition had steadily grown in scale as new clay figures were added to this tiny terracotta community.

Earlier this week, government officials intercepted Field, en route to Berlin via Columbia. It has been alleged that cocaine, and green "wobbly eggs", were carefully concealed within the sculptural installation. Police have been monitoring the artist's movements since 1983 and believe that his concept of a "field" of surrogate human beings first took shape in China during 1989, where some suggest that he would have met the infamous Sun Yee On triad cartel and smoked opium.

Mr Gormley's ambition grew quickly with much larger versions of Field being subsequently made in Mexico, Brazil and Thailand, leading on to Field for the British Isles in 1993. Since its acquisition by the Arts Council Collection in 1995, Field has been seen by more than 250,000 confused people at venues throughout the UK. It has won the enigmatic artist much praise and was instrumental in securing him yet another well deserved Turner Prize nomination in 1996.

Under international law, artworks are generally exempt from close scrutiny by overworked customs officials, as they travel to galleries throughout the world. Artworks bearing the Arts Council's seal of approval can cross-continents unimpeded — a bit like germs, fish and Liam Gallagher.

The Rockall Times has learned that Mr Gormley may have masterminded a multi-million pound drug empire from inside his Angel of the North millennium monument, which is alleged to house a refining laboratory and 27 biochemists. One local resident said that Angel was working in broad daylight and producing over 70 kilos of refined cocaine a day. The entire operation was capable of producing £400,000 worth of illegal drugs a week — the cash equivalent of approximately 78 Mario Testino portraits, 19 Philip Treacy hats, 54 Jimmy Choo boots, plus the entirety of Justina McCaffrey's Autumn / Winter collection, which incidentally was simply exquisite!

Mr Gormley strenuously denies allegations that he is a drug lord: "In this country, you've got to make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, you get the woman." He continued: "I never fuc*ked anybody over in my life, who didn't have it coming to them, you got that? All I have in this world is my balls, and my word, and I don't break them for no one, you understand?"

Mr Gormley is no stranger to controversy. In 1996, the genius appeared alongside Britain's favourite leaf-twirler and eco-artist extraordinaire Andy Goldsworthy before the Federal Court of Australia. Both artists faced serious allegations concerning their coffee-table publications, which the Court heard had indirectly caused massive destruction to an expanse of Indonesian rainforest. On this occasion Mr Gormley was acquitted, but Mr Goldsworthy was not so fortunate and now faces up to five hours of hard community service.

A spokesperson for the Arts Council of England denied that drug money was being used to bolster Britain's flagging arts economy. However, he admitted that the news of Mr Gormley's potential involvement with street pharmaceuticals had come as a severe blow to certain members of staff — many of whom were already consoling themselves at a plonk-a-plenty buffet lunch in Cork Street.

Which reminds me that I'm due at the Claridges Hotel "12 Steps to Recovery" meeting in five. Ciao for now.