Blunkett announces fast track justice initiative

Home Secretary David Blindgit has outlined a number of initiatives aimed at speeding up the justice process. Blindgit was speaking in the direction of a group of journalists at the Supreme Court yesterday.

"For too long our courts have been clogged with a steady stream of unquestionably guilty people. You know they're guilty, I know they're guilty, yet we have to spend taxpayers' money on these sham trials. Our new proposals offer a simpler system where we can bang people up without any of that tedious mucking about in court."

Mr Blunkett then cited "the two murdering bastards from Sotham" as suitable candidates for the new fast-track trial. Queried on their pre-assumed guilt, Blunkett was furious: "So you think it's ok for scum-sucking kiddie-fiddlers to murder little girls, do you, eh?" he raged.

The thrilling Q&A session was temporarily suspended when a raging mob of concerned parents stormed the building in search of a paedophile. To the relief of the assembled hacks they quickly garrotted a man whose job title began with "p" with their children's tear-stained comfort blankets. Apparently satisfied, they departed in search of a paediatrician, enabling the discussion to continue.

Those who would qualify for a fast track trial include people who look guilty in police photographs (known as the "Hindley Factor") and anyone accused of a crime by two or more tabloid papers.

A number of safeguards have been built into the new system to avoid any miscarriages of justice. Those accused of child murder, for instance, will be entitled to a full trial provided they can get 30 or more of the dead child's relatives to act as character witnesses.