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The shocking truth behind that sensational 'Gordon Brown at the Guardian' power breakfast

The past week has seen a flurry of allegations and counter allegations about what went on — or did not go on — at the now infamous breakfast meeting at the Guardian between the newspaper's top editorial staff and the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown.

Rumours, spread following the meeting, insist that an elite squad of Guardian journalists led by Harry Potter, Queen Polly, and Jonathan Freeman listened in amazement as the Chancellor lambasted such unlikely targets as IDS, child poverty and sin in all its forms. Then, having got back home he called them up and told them it was lies all lies and not to be told to be reported in any shape or form.

What actually happened is both more and less incredible — however that can be — and can only now be revealed to the readers of The Rockall Times (though you have to promise not to tell any of this to any of your friends who read the Guardian).

Drawing on many contacts — including someone who actually knew someone who saw one of the participants going into the meeting room the day before — The Rockall Times has managed to recreate a blow-by-blow account of the events that shocked the world and brought Tony Blair's government to its knees.

Extracts are given below. Obviously, the more boring bits, or anything that Gordon told us we mustn't under any circumstances publish, have been left out.

• 07:50: Brown arrives at Guardian offices in ministerial limousine and is shown up to the executive dining room
• 08:00: Brown places order for Coco Pops (extra large bowl) followed by deep-fried Mars Bar and croissant. Queen Polly orders fruits de mer and a guacamole sorbet, Freeman an Ulster Fry, and Potter a glass of low-calorie, decaffeinated water
• 08:01: Smalltalk — Brown tells long joke about Clare Short, Robin Cook, the impending attack on Iraq, several golden elephants, and a slightly soiled copy of Asian Babes magazine
• 08:08: Nervous laughter
• 08:08: Assorted small talk
• 08:10: Food arrives. Brown complains milk in bowl has gone "poo coloured". Waiter dispatched to bring replacement bowl of Coco Pops — leaves milk out for Brown to pour on
• 08:12: Eating
• 08:20: Brown tells all those present that the Prime Minister is — amongst other things — "power crazed", "untrustworthy", "duplicitous", "tendentious", "money-mad", and "a complete Bush arse-licker"
• 08:24: More nervous laughter
• 08:25: Brown orders some more Coco Pops (extra large bowl)
• 08:26: Tells all those present that the Prime Minister's ideas are — amongst other things — "useless", "elitist nonsense", "economically unproven", "dangerously endogenous", and "a disgrace to the whole Labour movement"
• 08:35: Warns all those present that the fire-fighters better not "fuc*k with me buster"
• 08:40: In response to a question from Potter about when the five tests might be met and Britain adopt the Euro, Brown says nothing but gives all those present a meaningful look
• 08:41: Guardian photographer summoned to take picture of Brown's meaningful look so that it can be analysed later to give some sort of a clue into the likely timing of any Euro referendum
• 08:45: Unprompted, Queen Polly tells Brown that now is the best possible of all times and congratulates the government on the marvellous job they've done so far. Brown pointedly ignores her
• 08:50: Coffee is served
• 08:51: Brown complains coffee is "poo coloured". Waiter storms off. No more coffee brought
• 08:55: Brown insists that his relations with Tony Blair have never been closer and they are like a pair of "Burmese Twins"
• 08:58: On the way out, Brown looks conspiratorially at those present and advises them to "check out these tenements in Bristol, Cherie's been buying up"
• 09:00: Brown leaves by way of the back entrance and heads off to his main meeting of the day at Associated Newspapers

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