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Dear Dierdre: I'm so confused!

DEAR DIERDRE: I'm so confused. Until recently, I was a happily-married woman. But for the last few weeks I've been having an affair with someone I met at the gym. The trouble is, she's a woman.

Our eyes met across a crowded rowing machine. I must admit that I was immediately attracted to her beautifully-toned pecs. Later, while I was in the shower, I felt a pair of hands move all over my body. A surge of desire swept through me as we kissed passionately. We explored each others' bodies for what seemed like an age. She had a fantastic physique, and it was clear she worked out a lot. Unsurprisingly, really, since we met in a gym. She brought me to several fantastic climaxes. I felt fully cleansed as a woman.

I'd never been happier, but then the Sunday papers found out about my affair and they're threatening to tell my husband. I'm terrified I'll lose the kids and the house. What should I do? Please help, I'm desperate. Cherie, London

DIERDRE SAYS: Cherie, what can I say? Much as I share your enthusiasm for Sapphic water sports, you knew what you were getting into right from the start. You must come clean to your husband before the story breaks. If he truly loves you, he'll forgive and forget. For future reference, I'm sending you my leaflet Why it's not a good idea for a Prime Minister's wife to engage in any activity with a topless model while naked in a shower — especially when her boyfriend's a convicted fraudster. I advise you to read it thoroughly and behave yourself in future.

DEAR DIERDRE: I was wondering if you had a contact to Bono, because he did write an article for The Rock All Times. I want to fundraise money to buy a well for a village in Africa, I saw a world AIDS show with him and Chris Tucker, and he mentioned being able to do that for about a thousand dollars. He did mention where to send the money to, but I couldn't write it down at the time. I can't find any contacts to him to ask him for the information, so I don't know where to send the money for when I get it. If you could help me in any way to get a contact to him, please reply back. Dana, Africa

DIERDRE SAYS: Dana, I had a quick word with Bono while he was en route to the United Nations to deliver a stern lecture on child labour in Indonesia. He says he's a bit busy for the next ten years or so putting the world to rights and counting his royalties. I suggest you write to his record company direct. At the very least, you should get a signed photo of him looking earnest.

DEAR DIERDRE: I don't believe that any of your correspondents are real. I think that you write all of the letters and simply pack as much sex in as possible in order to increase your circulation.

Btw, I've been having trouble getting an erection recently. My girlfriend says she will leave me unless I get my magnificent 11-inch member back where it belongs — pumping her to a frantic, gut-wrenching orgasm seven times a night and twice at lunchtime. Any suggestions? Steve, Walsall

DIERDRE SAYS: It sounds like you've been overdoing it. The best bet is take away the pressure to perform. Why not start with a romantic candlelit dinner for two, the finest wines, oysters. Dim the lights, put on some gentle piano music and dance slowly on the balcony under the stars. Give it half an hour and you should be ready to deploy the old spam javelin. If that fails, just take Viagra.

Dierdre Bellbottom is the Sapphic editor of The Erotic Digest

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