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Trawl Rockall for:

IT'S WAR!

Great Britain is on the cusp of declaring war on Italy after the pasta-munching gadflies put claim to Graham Island in the Mediterranean.

Although Graham Island is currently eight metres underwater, geologists believe the volcanic tip will soon re-emerge and the Italian government has rather foolishly already put claim to it.

The island last appeared 50 kilometers south of Sicilian port Sciacca in July 1831. At the time Her Majesty's Government immediately put claim to it and named it Graham Island after the first lord of the admiralty Sir James Graham. Our boys landed on it, planted a flag and never returned again, following centuries of tradition.

Of course the frogs and the eye-ties later popped along and pathetically attempted to claim what was already our property, even continuing the farce by naming it Julia and Ferdinandea respectively. We let them have their fun and rather fortuitously for them didn't had to destroy them in battle (again) because it disappeared six months later and they lost interest.

Now, however, with Graham Island seeking to make a reappearance, the Italians have provocatively suggested they own it. Since the emerging island is in the exact same spot as Graham Island, the Italians cannot claim confusion.

One wop and so-called "expert" in international relations even had the audacity to say there would be no problem with his facist government claiming our property. "If it's just a little island, we're not going to have a big fight over it," said the deluded fool.

Since Britain has a proud heritage of owning rocks nearer other people's countries and as we see Graham as a younger brother to the great state of Rockall, we immediately contacted the Foreign Office to demand an instant threat of war should the Italians continue in this charade. We were not disappointed.

"Do not worry," a spokesman for our great country told us. "The Italians are just mouthing off as usual. If they so much as set one foot on Graham without asking our permission, they'll have a Harrier-fired missile up their arse before you can say 'linguine'."

He also calmed our fears that declaring war on Italy could prove difficult because of the current climate of Euro love-in. "Never fear sonny. We don't need to ask Parliament or anyone else for that matter if we want to blow someone up or go to war against another country. We just do it. In fact, I'm almost tempted to dispatch some bombers to Rome right now."

The message is simple: Britain owns uninhabited rocks no matter where they are and anyone that has problem with that can kiss the great shining royal white arse of Her Imperial Majestyness Liz Two.

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