Hunting will be banned except where completely necessary, or fun

Ministers hit back yesterday at accusations that the government's latest "Almost Stop Hunting But Not Quite" bill was a betrayal of voters' wishes for a complete ban.

Speaking in the House of Commons, the rural affairs minister Alun Michael said: "Make no mistake, this brave and radical bill completely and utterly prohibits the hunting of all bears, lions, tigers, wild boar, wolves and elephants within the UK. And dinosaurs too for that matter. How can anyone doubt our commitment to stamping out this cruelty?"

On the small matter of hunting with dogs he was, however, a little more circumspect: "This will only be allowed when alternative methods of culling are more cruel and unnatural." Asked what those alternative methods might be he said: "As far as we are concerned that would mean the deployment of Zyklon B gas, clubbing with baseball bats or sending the animals to Huntingdon Life Sciences."

Michael further stressed that any decision on whether or not hunting in a particular area will still be allowed to go ahead will be subject to the most rigorous scrutiny and only permitted in exceptional circumstances. "Country folk are best placed to decide whether or not a fox needs chasing around a field by rich people on horses," he noted. "Each case will be decided on a fox-by-fox basis. If three or more people wearing Barbour jackets can convince themselves that the fox in question represents a clear and present danger to their way of life, then they can issue themselves with a licence for a humanitarian horse-borne interdiction. Failure to follow this procedure could result in a fine of up to £5."

Despite the clampdown, some animal welfare groups are still not satisfied with all that's been done to protect their furry friends and have promised to carry on campaigning for a full ban. Michael made it clear that while legitimate protests are the lifeblood of democracy, tree-huggers would not be allowed to disrupt any licensed hunt. If necessary, he added, the army would be deployed to ensure that the landed gentry came to no harm.